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Two weeks ago, I wrote about Christmas music. I decided that this year, I wouldn't fight the post-Thanksgiving flood of holiday this year, but rather lean into it for once. Who couldn't use a little cheer right now? That, however, was before I started back at work. I ply my trade in a shopping-mall Old Navy, wiling away the hours folding discount t-shirts, working the register, and generally being treated like some sort of holiday pajama vending machine. Though I'm only there for about 25 hours a week these days, I consider myself this nation's foremost expert on their corporate-assembled playlist. This summer, I kept a painstaking record of the best, most unexpected musical appearances. But now we've come to December, and the soundtrack to my employment has been dominated by jingle bells, eerie children's choirs, and three - count 'em, THREE - versions of Wizzard's "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day."
Stop the sleigh, I want to get off.
Therefore, working in retail this time of year, I feel especially qualified to write this article. I've spent two consecutive holiday seasons working in the mall, I know Christmas music. The beauty of it is, as long as you cover the necessary thematic content, the quality of the music itself is completely irrelevant to the success of the song. It's like Christian Contemporary music, if instead of Jesus you were singing about Santa, snowfall, and, well, sometimes still Jesus.
Maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe someday soon I'll get a visit from Jacob Marley (or, perhaps, Pentatonix?) and I'll have yet another change of heart. Before I, too, fall to the Christmas-Industrial complex, I've decided to share the five aspects of a Christmas hit. This is top-secret information, but I promise: check these boxes and you'll be on the Old Navy playlist before you know it.
An Aggressively Festive Title
Let people know you mean BUSINESS. None of this half-assed holiday cheer, it's time to CELEBRATE. A good title is, effectively, your thesis statement for your festive intent: it should be strong, clear, and straight to the point. Be as direct as you can and, if at all possible, just go ahead and put "Christmas" in the name of the song. If that's not an option, just stick to the basics. You know the drill: snow, mistletoe, Santa, etc. All the crowd-pleasers. Jesus will do in a pinch, but be judicious. People are trying to shop, here.
Some examples:
"A Christmas Melody"
"Catch a Christmas Star"
"A Gift to Remember"
These are actually all Hallmark movie titles, but you get the gist.
Hanukkah Hack: if attempting to write a Hanukkah song, this advice still stands. Simply swap out the Christmas imagery for dreidels, the number 8, etc. Candles, snow, and presents can stay in the song. Jesus feels risky but, hey, it's your song.
Something Unexpectedly Shrill
If you really want a hit, you have to jar these people from their post-Thanksgiving stupor. Hey, the sun is setting at 5 PM and we could all use a little wake-up! The most effective method is to simply throw in something higher-pitched than usual to really let people know it's Christmas. Popular variations include choirs of children, jingling bells, and Mariah Carey's voice. There are plenty of avenues of this that have yet to be explored, however. Maybe whistles (a la Polar Express?), or perhaps swapping out those kids for a rousing choir of elves. This one is ripe for experimentation, so feel free to get creative here.
Hanukkah Hack: Though completely unseasonable for the holiday, a Shofar cameo feels like the obvious suggestion here. Statistically speaking, most folks won't even realize you're a few months late!
A Dash of Romance
Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men… this is all well and good of course. Important, even. But where's the sex appeal? Let's get some romance in the mix! You can employ this in your song by discussing a Christmas spent with a current partner (a fail-safe classic), attempting to woo a future partner ("All I Want for Christmas is You"), or even excoriating a former partner (known to those in the business as "pulling a Wham!"). If this doesn't work, I suppose you could always just proposition Santa.
Hanukkah Hack: this is relatively unexplored territory for Hannukah music. The above advice holds true for the Festival of Lights as well, just make sure to appropriately Judaize the rest of the song. If anyone wants to take the initiative and write "Whole Latke Love," it's yours.
A Tug At the Ol' Heartstrings
This one's tricky. Based on my research, the right ratio of cheerful-to-bittersweet can make or break a Christmas song. Conventional wisdom would suggest erring on the side of jolly, but artists like Joni Mitchell and Phoebe Bridgers have proven that this rule isn't necessarily definitive. Then again, I don't hear too much Phoebe Bridgers playing at Old Navy.
Either way, proceed with caution. You don't want to "Christmas Shoes" yourself.
Hanukkah Hack: take this one with a grain of salt. Without the vast ocean of terrifyingly-cheerful peers to wade through, Hanukkah music need not be anything more than a good time. Still, if you're willing to go there, be my guest. "Eight Nights Alone", or perhaps "Latkes for One", seem like solid places to start.
A Creative Guest Feature
What are the Muppets up to these days? If Kermit's too expensive, I'm sure you could convince the Mahna Mahna guy to make an appearance. If you can't swing that, try a low-tier Disney character, or maybe you can convince a current musician with a tough public persona to break character and bring some family-friendly cheer. If none of that works, I bet Ringo would do it.
Hannukah Hack: Waldorf and Statler are presumably Jewish, and I don't think they're too busy nowadays. Additionally, any of the people Adam Sandler mentions in "The Chanukah Song" would be perfect.
Recommended Reading
The pieces I published this week, conveniently congregated in a lovely little list:
In One Ear
A brief check-in as to what I've been listening to lately:
Songs of Innocence- U2
I'm SORRY, but if I'm being honest, it's not that bad. The first half, at least. It's plenty cheesy, sure, but it's post-2000 U2. That's their whole schtick at this point. Still, tracks like "The Miracle (of Joey Ramone)," "Raised by Wolves," and "Song For Someone" are genuinely pretty good. Don't believe me? Go and give them a listen yourself - you've already got them on your phone.
Pink Moon- Nick Drake
This is my standby album, no doubt. I've written before about my love for Pink Moon, so I won't opine about it for very long on here, but I'll just say this. Nothing provides a post-retail palette cleanser quite like this album. They are polar opposites, natural enemies, and by means of one I can effectively drive out the other. Besides that, it's just a great album.
"Mean" - Taylor Swift
I really can't explain this one, but I stand by it. I haven't had a chance to listen to evermore yet, so this will have to do.
"When The Sun Rises" - Casper Allen
Not a Christmas song, but probably one of my favorite YouTube videos ever
This Week's Mixtape
Each edition of Nightswimming will come complete with a companion mixtape. Some of the songs relate to this week's newsletter, others not at all. As with any mixtape, listening in order is recommended, but if you don't have Spotify Premium or - heaven forbid - you just prefer to shuffle, then don't worry. The songs are still great, and nothing's set to self destruct.
or click here.
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David Lefkowitz is a writer, musician, and former Latin NHS president. His work has been featured by Melted Magazine, The Outbound Collective, and Vinyl Tap Magazine, among others.